Sunday, September 28, 20088:42 AM

■ chuck it aside and tucking it away..

weirdly tonight ive come to clear my mind.

crazily im in love with you.
clearly im nuts about things thats revolving around me.


revolving around the center of the earth,
circling round the middle of my heart.
with roots that are rooted into my veins,
for blood is the main water source.
the red liquid thats keeping me alive.
set in the heart of this red bloody heart,


ive secrets etched on the inner surface of this heart wall.
only i am aware of what the little contents are about.


red blood cells flowing through the veins,
being pumped all over the body,
accidentally chanced upon these little secrets.


the news spread to oxygen, carbon dioxide, plasma and white blood cells.
everything flows within me.
the words stay within me.
the memories and the images of whatsoever the secret is about stays wher it is.
etched on that inner wall of the bloody heart.


never will i dig that heart out and check on that bloody wall again.
it'll only continue to be etched with more secrets.
onli continue to contain more and more unknown issues that no one noes.
im not concerned if its goin to get all messy inside anymore.
im content that its inside me and eating mi inside out slowly.


im kicking it away and making a new life out of it.
realising the redundant thoughts on revivin everything again.
the thought of trying to save whatever was left is hard for me to get by.
the thought of it all jus drains the energy i have inside.
the happiness, the jolliness, the activeness in me is jus drained away jus like that.
due to too much thinkin and pondering on how to proceed in the problems.

making it a secret and makin it only aware and clear to myself.
never wanting anyone to chance upon it like i did.
i m an ugly picture thats painted on that beautiful wall,
and i had enuff of making things even more uglier.
too ugly to make things look like that.
thats not my profession at all.

with many things out of my control and out of my reach.
things that i never would want to get my feet into.
like the dried leaf being swept by the wind,
the weight of the leaf jus flows with the wind.
with no hindrance,
no obstacles for it in the air.

i wan to wash my mind off everything and concentrate on whatever i want to pursue.
in whatever i want to have in the near future.

my dirty lil secrets are the onli things that are keepin me from moving forward.
kping me away from my dreams and hopes of getting what i want.

i rather it eat me up, den i eat them up,
swallow them and allow it to reach my brain.
wher the chemical reactions in the brain starts to generate the thoughts.
and where gears start to turn, and stupid ideas start popping out again.

ive no longer being able to find that pillar i can lean on.
that pillar no longer exist anymore.
the more i wish to find that pillar the more it disappears into thin air,
never reappearing anymore.

ive only myself to trust and to lean on.
no matter wher, what and how,
i know i have to solve everything on my own from now on.

the words inside, their swimming around.
the sounds recorded, their humming a tune.
a song that none can hear.
but how i wish its for all to hear.

the sad songs play repeatedly inside,
plays on and on and on loop mode.
its bleeding and tearing inside,
as the song sings to me at nite.

wishing you could hear,
the songs ive had in me.
the songs iv created with jus the secrets i have.
enough to make a whole album out of it.

im an actress in my life story.
im a person who portrays nothingness in this vast and huge world we're in.
the hatre, the betrayal, the grievance, the ignorance, the bliss, the happiness,
the suffering, the frustrations. everything is boiled down on how i act upon them.
being an actress is hard enough.
having to handle all kinds of emotions is way worse than that.

we're all little kids in this world,
playing a small part.
but with similar amount of effort and strength to go on,
theres a difference somewher.

with knowledge on the world and how life functions around us.
would we be able to say we would be a better person?

im throwin them behind and leaving them in that box locked in my heart.
curved on it are things i have done wrong or right.
its a massive and messy box.
but it contains who i am, have been or in future will be.

for now, im tucking every little past i have in it.
safely under the watchful eye of the bloody heart.

~it will get better as long as i believe in me.